i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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