Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
