pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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