if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
