My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
