I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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