My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
