Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
