There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
