My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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