If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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