Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
