how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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