There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
