just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
