The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
