my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
