I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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