I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
