You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
