I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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