Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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