Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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