Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
