so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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