I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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