I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
