and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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