just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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