his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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