1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
