Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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