my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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