i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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