I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
