Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
that may or may not have been my penis.
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