That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
