I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The uberlube is also flammable
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
