At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
