Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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