Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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