She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
