Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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