my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
