I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You ate ashes out of my bong
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
