Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
