I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
sarcasm needs its own font
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
