I wish my penis had an off switch
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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