my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
