i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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