You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?