I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.