someone threw a dead crab at me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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