Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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