i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
