You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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