Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
