Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
