I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
