You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just sucked dick on a ferry
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
