So drunk, too bad you don't want this
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
